6 Months since diagnosis!

So the day all this started will of course be etched into mine and Adam's mind forever.. Less so for my new next door neighbour who was there at the time doing my biopsy it seems😳

15th December 15, we were off to Adam's work Christmas do, as he was new to the company I wanted to look the part so arranged to get hair cut, coloured and pinned up for the event.. When I got asked to go for my referral to the hospital on the same day some quick rearranging meant I was still able to glam up for the evening.. It just meant having my hair done at 9:30 in the morning. The hospital staff must have wondered what kind of Diva had just walked in when I didn't want to put my head flat on the bed during my tests for fear of ruining my hair for the do they probably assumed we would no longer go to! 

We did still go to the oxo tower for the do, the boys were all set and being taken care of, what was the point in staying in wasting having childcare and hair dos! We still had a good (if not slightly surreal) night! 

So since then I've completed my 6 sets of Chemo, lost my hair, eyebrows, nose hair, eyelashes.. (Who knew they were all as useful as they are!) for several months I dare not leave the house without a packet of tissues for eyes and nose just running constantly.. The amount of clothes that got rewashed due to rogue tissues was not even funny!  My hair is growing back now, and starting to thicken up almost in front of my eyes! (Thank goodness) and my eyelashes are also starting to come through. 

Surgery was 6 days ago now. I was the last one into theatre so it seemed a very long day waiting around, and getting back up to the ward so late did mean all my checks had to be done all through the night.. In the end I gave up on sleep and watched a film I had loaded onto my iPad! 

I was signed off to go home on Friday and spent another 5 hours waiting for the drugs to come up from the pharmacy before I could go. I made a hasty escape but my the time I got down to the pick up bit to meet the boys I was in a fair bit of pain, but assumed at was just where I was due another dose of tablets. 

By the time my amazing friend Jo came round to visit I was in serious pain and she grabbed the phone and started trying to get me some support, the outcome was going back to A&E where I was sent back up to the surgical wards for re-admission. After very painful examination (by dishy Doctor Matt😘) he prescribed some anti spasm drugs, but none of the wards seemed to have them available so I was just given more morphine which wasn't doing anything for the pain. Another night with not too much sleep followed. At 7am when they did the drugs round they spotted that my drain wasn't working and needed changing, they gave me my tablets and went off to find a new drain. Once they came back with the new bottle and fitted it with in 10 minutes the pain had completely disappeared.. It was such a relief.. By 9:15 I was declared fit to leave again and was out of there in record speed! 

So far the rest of the week of recovery has been uneventful thankfully! I've been doing what I'm told.. (mostly😘), I've spent lots of time waiting for the nurse to come and see me each day, but have also managed to do the school run each day too. I've been taking it easy and have be enjoying visits from lots of special people. Including my cuddles with 10 week old baby Noah💗

Seeing our biggest and littlest boys together was such a special moment.. And definitely made me realise how grown up Jake is getting! 

Our special (crazy) day of visitors from Scotland, Stafford and over the road was only possible because I knew everyone would pitch in and do their bit. So thanks to Pops for feeding us all and all so I wasn't stressing about anything! As Pops always says "If you love them, feed them!" And he sure did 💗

Also thanks to Urvi and Anna who have helped keeping us all fed this week! 

As always Jo has been my superstar, taking me back to the hospital and helping me wash the sticky bits and pen off the shoulder where I had no hope of reaching! 

Yesterday It was lovely to catch up with an old friend who we had lost touch with. It was great to reconnect, despite the naff circumstances, and certainly didn't feel like so much time had passed.

Today was a step forward with one of my drains being removed. The other drain isn't ready to be removed yet, but it's all steps in the right direction. I see the consultant again on Friday to check on my progress, but on the whole I feel ok, and I'm being careful not to over do it.. Even if that does result in major boredom🙃

Round 5 - Done!

So in just 10 days I should have been running my 1st marathon.. And yes I know my time will come but it still doesn't take away the bitter taste of disappointment of not being able to do something I was working so hard towards! 

The other bitter taste is possibly all the drugs making everything tastes nasty! I can't believe after a last minute call to arms to console a friend last night with drinks resulted in me drinking 1/3 of a fruit cider, half a mug of hot chocolate, and a cup of tea!! Go me! Such a party animal but nothing tasted right.. My gaviscon chaser before bed sorted me right out and at least I could sleep🙃

So anyway, where am I at now? Round 5 of chemo is currently swarming round my system doing it's thing... Feeling tired this week but as ever could be worse!  

Jo was of course at my side for round 5.. We're nearly done with Chemo selfies! 

The boys are on Easter holidays and have been little super stars, it will however be good to get them back to school next week into routine and normality. 

When I saw the oncologist last time there seems to be more shrinking of POLAB (name given to my lump by my 4 year old!). Which is great news. I'll next see her the Friday before my last Chemo to review. (22nd April) then new images will be taken after Chemo to decide on my surgery plan. Obviously I can't wait to get to that point.. It really will feel like a big step forward and another milestone achieved.

Round 4 Docetaxel was definitely harder than FEC, I was tired, a bit grumpy and I ached and at times just felt 'odd'.. But for the 1st time in this I did allow myself some time out and accepted a bit more help.. It was great getting away to spend time with family for Easter and being looked after.. Pops fed us well and we enjoyed some good old fashioned games.. Even if the 9 year old beat us😂 

The Easter holidays have also seen us enjoy Jake's birthday treat to Shrek's Adventure which he really enjoyed.. Although Luke was not quite so blown away 

So for now I'll have another cup of tea, and try not to do too much! 

Round 4.. Back to the unknown!

I think one of the toughest things about round 4 has been that with the new 'cocktail' of Drugs it's like starting over again with knowing what to expect. I had found a little pattern in the 1st set of Chemos, and although I can't say I liked it, at least I knew what was coming and when.. I have been expecting to be hit like a train and this week that seems to have been more the case, possibly because I've had sniffles, and sore throat on top of aches and pains and nothing tastings as I expect it to!

So anyway, I'm now nearly at the end of my middle week in the cycle so expecting to have turned the corner a bit now and keep improving until my next cycle of Chemo on 4th April. 

This week I have got better at accepting help.. (A real battle for me, Mrs independent😘) and have been grateful for my mum and mother in law tackling ironing, and jobs around the house for me. 

Once again I've had amazing support during this cycle and I've manage to keep busy, meals made for us, taken out for treats... (Mmmm I timed my trip to the Waffle House just right before my taste buds went on strike 😘), I've fed people lots of cake! Celebrated birthdays, including Sparky's fab surprise do.. 

 Jake's birthday (more celebrations for that over Easter Holidays) 

been to the Olympic swim centre for sport relief,

 ran the sport relief mile with Luke (4) and the 2 bigger Langford boys did 3 miles. 

Jake had everyone singing happy birthday to him at the track which made me laugh.. I'm not sure where he gets this shy, retiring streak from 😂

It's s good gob I don't need to check my hair in 'The Mirror of Motivation' where I've been putting my cards and notes since my treatment began as I'm running low on space! 💗

So it's been 100 days since I was told I had breast cancer, and although I've been poked and prodded, scanned and examined in that time, my eye brows and eye lashes have thinned, hair has gone, hot flushes have started, and everyday my frustration grows at not being able to do the things I want to do, and at the pace I want to do them😘 I'll happily admit I'm not a very patient person, and knowing how long it will be before I can do what I want again is playing on my mind at the moment. All being well I will finish Chemo in 1 months time, (2 treatments), however I still have surgery and Radioteraphy ahead. But I will get back to it, I just have to keep finding other ways to keep myself busy in the meantime. 

So for now we are heading up to visit family for the Easter weekend, being looked after and enjoying the break. 

Hmm wine o'clock!

What a day! 

Said goodbye to hubby at 7am for his few days in Nottingham, took the boys to school and popped into town, got caught off guard as my eyes had been watery, in the car Robbie Williams 'She's the one' came on the radio.. And that made my eyes water that little bit more and a lump come in my throat just thinking about my boys and all the 'What if' scenarios... Something I rarely think about to be honest.. 

So anyway in town I met a new friend who has just been declared 'Cancer free' days after her 40th birthday which is fantastic news and really brightened my day. Great to meet another young woman just ahead of me in treatment and now coming out the other side still smiling and joking in the same kind of way I've been handling this!

So anyway this afternoon brought an appointment with my oncologist which showed significant change in size of my lump now, which is fantastic news. Before the end of my next cycle I will be having a staple put into the lump so that it can still be tracked as the lump continues to shrink. 

I do need to get my eyes tested, but that is long overdue anyway! At times I've been noticing my vision is more blurry than normal so just to double check everything I will book in with an optican. 

Just as I was about to put the boys to bed I got a phone call from the Genetics Dr who confirmed I do not have the faulty BRCA 1 or 2 gene so there does not seem to be a genetic reason got my cancer! 

Again more good news especially coupled with the shrinkage in the lump.. Hopefully will mean better surgery and recovery options. 

I know the next cycle on Monday is back to the drawing board in so many ways, Although this receipe of drugs is different and should be quicker to go deliver. I know it's a train due to hit me very soon and really wipe me out.. If I can plan for that then I can only be pleasantly surprised if it's not as bad as I'm bracing myself for😘 but after positive news today I am feeling ready to drink some wine with my friends and face the next part of my treatment and kick it's backside!!!

Round 3

So the Chemo I've been having is FEC-T, so far it's been the same cocktail of drugs for the first three rounds (FEC), next time I get the T (and hopefully more tea than on Monday! I sent my friend in search of the kettle at the unit!) although to be fair, my treatment went in so quickly this time, we nearly got caught off guard and forgot to take the must do photos!

Not so much change in Jo's hair as mine over the last 9 weeks😘😂

So what has round 3 delivered so far?

Tiredness, and heartburn😳 oh and runny eyes and nose! The wind really makes my eyes run now so on windy days remind me to wear my sunglasses, they seem to help! 😎

My hair has thinned a lot again too. 

Bang on queue the heartburn arrived when I expected it to based on the previous 2 cycles so no massive surprises, just annoying really!!  It's nearly 3am and I've been awake for nearly an hour and a half after a curry I REALLY fancied and enjoyed to celebrate my mother in laws birthday yesterday! Bless her, even the cat has come downstairs to keep me company and is snuggled right into me!

Managed a little run yesterday which felt very liberating but am a bit sore from that too, guess my body is going through so much at the moment and it doesn't know what to deal with first!

I've started getting hot sweats in the night, which I assume is part of my hormones going a bit mental, all not unexpected but you just don't know when and how different parts of the treatment will effect you and exactly when.

With round 3 now under my belt! I'm thinking ahead to the next set of Chemo will might bring, I understand it could be muscle and bone ache, so wonder how the different side affects will take their toll. There is now 59 days till VLM. I plan to be on tower bridge watching friends run then the following day (if all has stayed on track) I should  be getting my last Chemo! It seems mental thinking so far ahead but we all have to keep little milestones in mind and gives me focus to stay out there running as and when I can.

So after 3 hours up, I might try getting back to sleep now! Fingers crossed 💤💤

Everything happens for a reason..

Quite why I find myself and my family in this situation I can't quite see the reason for at the moment.. BUT I've said quite a few times in the last 2 months that everything happens for a reason. There are so many things that demonstrate this.. 

Nearly 5 years ago when my youngest was just born I was made redundant.. But as I was on maternity leave that needed to be honoured.. So when Luke was 7 months old I found myself a new job, a 1 year maternity cover contract, 3 days a week nice and local! Perfect! So I  rushed around to get childcare in place (and met a new friend as a result!), before going to my best buddies wedding! 

Anyway the job fell through and a couple of people suggested childminding to me... "No way!" I said, "it's not for me." I said.. But I pondered on it, talked to Adam about it and we decided I could make it work potentially and while I was getting registered I'd keep looking for the perfect part time job to fit with our family and just see what happened first! Childminding stuck and as a result of that I have my core group of local friends who I can rely on to make us a meal or pick up my boys at no notice if I'm not able to, come and drink wine with me, or just have a cup of tea.. All of which I'm grateful for! 

Likewise 3 years ago I wasn't a runner.. I pitched up to DRR for a 10 week beginners group saying "If the boys go to bed ok tonight I'll go along and see how I get on." We ran for 2 minutes and walked for 2, and amongst our struggles and complaints it hurt, and "Is the time nearly up yet?" Firm friendships were made and I gained my amazing running family. I've met so many inspirational people through the club, and I love spending time with all of them. 

Running has given me a different mindset, the ability to have confidence in myself and what I can do, and much more of a 'Can do' approach.. (And even if I can't do, I'll bust a gut giving it a good go!) I absolutely believe if I'd got my diagnosis 3 years ago my head would be a complete mess and I would have cried so many more tears.. Where as some of my tears have been out of frustration and lack of control, but many more have been due to the love, friendship, support and encouragement we've had! 

Running also brought me Parkrun, and another set of friends and extended support network for us as a family. I stepped into the core team, Run Directing and wanting to follow our lead Jake and his running pal Ash have also grown in confidence and in the summer holidays joined forces to direct the Saturday morning trot round the park. 

The boys first time run directing also brought Adam to the parkrun for the first time at Luton Wardown Park.. Being inspired by our little man, team DRR, the sense of community and a little coaxing at the curry night.. Adam did his first parkrun a week later and we've been going as a family every week since!

I'm also ever thankful to all of you who have made a special trip to parkrun, to give up your morning and be Jake's running partner in crime! In Feb 2015 Jake completed his 10th parkrun in St Albans with a big group of DRR's cheering him on, cake and a trophy to celebrate.. He's now just got 10 more to go for his 50th.. A milestone Jake, Ash and I are all hoping to complete together!

On Friday night Adam, Twiggy and I had a night out (Twiggy's 1st proper outing!)

 I was delighted (and slightly nervous) to be presenting as ladies captain at DRR's awards, so many fantastic achievements celebrated, and I was chuffed to bits to receive the Marilyn Day trophy.. Although I never met Marilyn her spirit is strong in the club, and she is remembered for being a great runner and supporter of the club, running cross country (despite hating it!) because the ladies team needed her.. I hope to keep doing Marilyn proud! 

I admit once the evening was over I was glad to take off Twiggy and my high healed shoes and put them in my bag! 

So after a late night on Friday and ahead of Chemo 3 on Monday I was please to still manage a sub 30min parkrun on Saturday... 

Round two!

So my first round of Chemo went relatively well, I've not felt too bad considering.. 

Notable days and things in the process include 

Days 4-7 shocking heartburn

Days 10/11 terrible back pain. Ibruprufen and hot water bottles at the ready. 

Constipation

Tiredness 

I did get a cold middle of my 2nd week and most of the way through the 3rd week which was annoying but to be fair I hate getting colds at the best of times! 

So far my 2nd cycle has followed the same side effects and pattern as the 1st and although life is moving at a slower pace than I'm used to I am able to do most things I want to still. 

After celebrating a minor victory with my hair still doing well on day 19 after my 1st Chemo using he cold cap, the very next day my hair started to thin, and by the Monday when I went for round 2 we decided there seemed little point in continuing with the cold cap.

 Although I cried about loosing my hair that day I was relieved not to have to cold cap again! It was several hours of misery which I could have coped with again if it was working but sadly not to be. With the help of my mum and amazing friend I embraced the shave on world cancer day 4th February. It seemed quite fitting really. And once again it gives me a tiny bit of control of this situation I find myself in! 

In other news I have redecorated the living room (the week after 1st chemo) and new carpet was laid day after 2nd Chemo! (What made me think that was a good idea!) There are more things to happen to finish the room off  and we're waiting for out new sofa to come but it's looking lovely and cosy so delighted with the progress. 

I was also very moved to receive a lovely gift to go in the new living room from lots of friends and families in my village, having been made meals, puddings, knitting lessons have all meant a huge amount and been a big help in me having the energy to do the things I want to do, not the things I have to get done, I'm sure the help I've had has been a big part in me feeling as well as I do. 

It's amazing how many charities I am finding out about and once all this is over will want to support in one way or another in the future. One which is lovely and gave me an amazing boost is Look Good Feel Better, http://www.lookgoodfeelbetter.co.uk/ who are supported by the cosmetic companies and provide the ladies an amazing goodie bag and workshop taking you through tips to make you feel like yourself again with a little slap cleverly applied to make you feel great. 

So that's where we're at just now.. I've managed a few runs including a couple of park runs since my treatment has begun, not as much running as I would have liked st the moment but being sensible! (For once) 

Tomorrow is the start of half term, big boy goes on a Cubs trip to Eurodisney and is very excited, small man and I are flying up with Jo and Beau to visit my dear friend in Scotland for much needed hugs before her new baby arrives.. And a recharge of my batteries ready for round 3 on the 22nd Feb.